


Reaching Catharsis

by raendown



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 09:59:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12363249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raendown/pseuds/raendown
Summary: While the secret is hidden the pressure builds. And when the secret is found the pressure releases. It isn't always pretty.





	Reaching Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> Written upon specific request.

He only noticed small things at first. He noticed the way she wouldn’t stand in certain spots in the kitchen, the way she often tried to hurry passed the cupboards as though some bogeyman were waiting just inside the doors to reach out and drag her inside. She had a way of lounging in arm chairs in total relaxation yet the way she sat upon a couch looked as though she were hovering on the edge of her seat, ready to bolt. And he couldn’t fail to notice how she would only ever hold his hand on her left side, never her right.

Kakashi had never been the kind of person for a direct confrontation when he could simply sit back and observe the answers for himself. In retrospect, however, it probably would have been better if he could have just opened his mouth and asked questions like any other decent person would have. Sakura was no delicate flower, he was well aware of that. But he also knew more than most that every person has their demons – and that nothing can prey on someone quite like their own dark secrets.

He just wished he could have known how to help her before he did something so horribly wrong.

Watching his girlfriend of seven months shiver and cower in the corner, balled in to herself and unable to look at him, made Kakashi feel as though there could be no lower trash than himself right at that moment. He’d done something wrong, that much was obvious. It hadn’t been intentional or even particularly overt. Whatever it was had been a trigger of some sort and Kakashi wanted to tear his hair out from the roots. He should have _known_. Shouldn’t he be able to recognize the signs of trauma better than anybody?

“Sakura?” he called gently. The woman in question tucked her face in to her knees, the sound of messy weeping crawling across his skin like shards of glass. “Sakura, love, I’m sorry. Whatever it was that I did I’m so sorry.”

His words only made her cry harder. It wasn’t the pretty crying one usually saw on movie screens. It was harsh and full, loud and so broken he could barely connect the sound of it to such a strong woman who walked through the daylight with her chin up high. He wanted to burn the world for her; anything to make it better.

It took a long time for the storm of her tears to slow. Sakura never released her tight grip around her own knees and Kakashi never tried to approach her. He sat at the opposite side of the room, perched on the chair by her perfectly organized desk. The chair was pink and delicate and he felt a little like a wooden doll sitting on it, pretty to look at but so utterly useless. Still, he made sure not to make any sudden movements, waiting until Sakura slowly raised her head to give him a hesitant look.

“Hey,” he murmured. Her eyes were red and swollen, the bits of her cheeks that he could see were splotchy, and he just wanted to pull her in to his arms and try to make her feel better.

“You’re still here…” She didn’t sound upset by the fact, which he was grateful for. Instead she sounded as though she were surprised.

“Of course I am,” he assured her. “I’m not sure what it was but I did _something_ which upset you. I would hardly leave you alone after that.”

Her head shook, bottom lip trembling. “No! It wasn’t your fault. I’m just…I…” Her voice wobbled and fresh tears gathered in her eyes until Kakashi leaned slowly to one side, allowing the slight movement to catch her eye without seeming a threat.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He clasped both hands in his lap, making himself as steady as possible. “I don’t think it was your fault either. We all have bad memories Sakura; some people just have worse ones than others. And they carry those memories with them, trying to let them go but never able to put them down. And I know that sometimes those memories come back to us when we least want them to.”

She looked shaken by his words, or possibly by the fact that he didn’t seem very bothered by her display. It hurt him to see her hurting, of course, but it certainly wasn’t enough to make him turn tail and run for the hills. He cared about her too much to drop her like a hot potato at the slightest sign of what some would call baggage. In his experience, every shinobi had baggage. Some of it was job related and some of it wasn’t, sometimes it was simple and sometimes it was crippling. It didn’t matter what it was. What mattered was that Sakura, in this moment, needed a little comfort.

“How can I help?” he asked. His partner drew her brows together, gnawing on her lip.

“I…I want a hug.”

“Is it okay for me to come over there and hug you?”

She nodded slowly and Kakashi gave her an encouraging smile as he stood and made his way to where she had huddled in to the corner. He kept it to a short hug, pulling away after only a few moments and settling down on the mattress with his back to the wall and a foot of space between them. He could see the internal struggle going on inside her, the want to be closer but the need for personal space right now.

“I’m sorry…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Kakashi smiled at her again but she tucking her chin back against her knees, body language cutting herself off from the world around her.

“It’s just that…I…”

“Sakura.” He waited for her eyes to slowly meet his before continuing, “You don’t have to explain yourself if you don’t want to. You can talk to me if you want but you don’t _have to_. All I need to know is what I did that was bad so I can avoid doing it again in the future. I just don’t want to hurt you, love.”

The look she gave him was one he was familiar with, a feeling he had struggled with himself quite a few times. It was a look that said his kindness was almost painful to her because she neither felt she deserved it nor knew how to deal with it. His heart ached for her, such a sweet woman who deserved no unhappiness. He ached to take the pain for her and bear it in her stead.

Though her body did not uncurl, Kakashi was surprised to see some of her muscles loosen as she steadied herself with a tremulous sigh. Her eyes dropped away from his and concentrated on a blank spot of wall across the room from them.

“No, I think you deserve to know. I’d hoped that I would…be okay. I didn’t expect the memories to stop me from being happy with you – I feel _safe_ with you! But it did happen and you deserve to know why.” She stopped to take another breath, bracing herself to keep going. “Sasuke didn’t leave the village again to ‘repent’ like everyone thinks. He…he left because Shishou told him if he ever set foot in the village again she would feed him his vertebrae one by one.”

“That sounds like her,” Kakashi murmured carefully, not liking where this was going.

“When we got married everything was fine. I’d been dreaming about it since we were children and I thought all of my dreams were coming true. Things were a bit different from how I had pictured them but I didn’t think too much of it. He was going through a hard time and – no. No those were my excuses for him. I wanted to think that he cared but he didn’t so I made _excuses_. So when he started acting strange I thought perhaps I had done something wrong and he encouraged me to believe that. And when he would only have sex if I let him hold me down I thought it was because having only one arm made him feel weak. So I let him.”

Sakura paused to draw a tremulous breath, her entire body shaking like a leaf.

“I don’t know why I didn’t stop him. Physically I’m stronger so I should have been able to when I wanted it to stop but I just…didn’t. I told him no but he held my arms like always and took what he said he needed. It took a few times before I realized that it wasn’t me he needed, it was – he wanted a child. Not because he wanted to be a parent but because he wanted me to be some kind of breeding animal and resurrect his clan through my womb alone.”

“Oh Sakura…”

“And I understood after that. I did. I knew why he stayed and why he had really married me. I knew that he had never loved me. But I still let him do those things to me. I let him hold me down like that and…do...that…even when I said no. I could have stopped him! Why did I never stop him?!”

Kakashi slowly reached out his hand, not touching but hovering his fingers halfway between them.

“I’m not the person to ask that question to Sakura,” he said. “I could tell you silly things like ‘it was because you loved him’ but they wouldn’t really be healthy things to tell hear. I can listen though, if you ever need to talk. You know that I’ll always be here.” Sakura gave him such an incredulous look that he felt another small piece of his heart break.

“You really still want to stay?” she asked. He’d never heard her voice so small.

“I’m not going anywhere Sakura. I don’t love you any less just because some bad things have happened to you in the past. Now that I understand what happened I can avoid doing that in the future and we can talk if you need to about anything else I should avoid doing. There isn’t a lot I can do to help but I’ll do what I can, okay?”

He very nearly shuddered just thinking about how badly he had unknowingly messed up. Of course it would bother her for him to hold her wrists like he had, going through what she did. He would make sure it never happened again. Just because he found the move arousing didn’t mean others did and refraining from doing that one little thing was a small sacrifice to make for the sake of her comfort.

There would be other things he could do for her, other ways he would be able to change their daily lives to help her be more comfortable. Kakashi thought of all the little things he had already noticed in her behavior. There were already things he tried to do to help make things easier for her but now that he understood why he could do better. The more she opened up to him the more he could help her – and when it came to the things she couldn’t open up to him about he could still make sure she understood that he loved her. That he would make this space as safe for her as possible.

Sakura was crying again when she slowly crawled in to his arms, allowing him to cautiously wrap her up in a tight hug.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and Kakashi kissed the crown of her candy pink hair before shaking his head.

“I know that sometimes you get tired of hearing it but you are so strong, Sakura. Not just physically. We all know that you can bring down entire buildings with a single blow but that’s not what I mean.” Kakashi closed his eyes and laid his cheek against her hair. “You have a strong heart too. And I could not possibly be more proud of you.”

Instead of answering, Sakura curled tighter in to his chest as her tears flowed faster and returned to loud weeping. This time, though, her sobs had a cathartic sound to them. Perhaps for the first time since she had escaped from under the thumb of her terrible experiences, Sakura allowed herself to let it all out. Kakashi held her tightly and rocked them back and forth gently, saying nothing. For the moment there was nothing more to say.

Later there would be time for many more words. There would be time for Kakashi to wonder how he had missed the signs and feel terrible that he hadn’t been able to be there for her when this had all been happening. He knew himself well enough to admit there would even be time for plotting vicious payback against a certain someone should they ever cross paths again.

Most importantly, however, after all that, there would be time for healing.


End file.
